Tipsy the Prognosticator: American Horror Story: Coven

coven1

You might recall how last year before the premier of AHS:Asylum I made some predictions based upon their promo spots. Predictably, they were incredibly wrong, but somehow also amazingly right. I don’t anticipate this year’s advertisements to be any more honest about what’s to come, in spite of how painfully stylish they are. I’ll give it to AHS–what it lacks in clear thinking it makes up for in zazz.  But fuck it; this blog has been quiet all summer, so without further unnecessary preamble I present some wild theories about the new season.

  • Coven will have even the fluffiest self-identifying witch eye-rolling.
  • Coven will mention “white magic” at least once.
  • This year’s graphic elements will be vaguely more relevant; the show will peripherally include snakes and horned beasts and people getting prodded with pins and a really enviable chaise.
  • Storylines set in the past will be vastly more interesting than the ones in the present, and therefore get wildly less screen time.
  • The season will feature more banging than both previous seasons combined.
  • That banging will include rape, because this show always includes rape (which I can’t really complain about, because rape is scary as shit). A solid guess for a rapey scenario: slave-master dynamic abuse.
  • Jessica Lange is going to be the best character again, though she’ll have to work to outshine Kathy Bates.
  • Nobody is going to spend time in those steep black pumps. Nobody.
  • It turns out man is the real monster.
  • Witch school is going to be surprisingly boring.

What are your predictions?

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